Sad seasons in life (broken hearts) sometimes align with sad seasons in nature (winter).
Sometimes people let you believe that they love you, never actually correcting you or telling you otherwise, they just go on not loving you. While you stand by idly. Trusting their heart. Surrendering your heart over to them. Living in an illusion.
And then, instead of fighting for your heart when the moment arises, they just walk away. And you sit at home. And cry. Alternating between listening to sad songs and binge watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix (or on DVD when Netflix also betrays you). While you eat unhealthy amounts pizza and puppy chow. Because that is what numbs the pain.
People tell you that it gets better. That you deserved better. But those aren’t the people who just watched their futures go from happily ever
after to lonely cat-lady.
All it does is reopen the wounds when you talk about it to new people and have to explain all the nuances of your lost relationship. And your friends, your real friends, the ones who know everything and love you anyway, they are tired of hearing about Adr-eh-um-him. They are tired of hearing about him. So you fake it. Fake it until you make it, right?
And so you pretend to be okay. Because it’s exhausting being sad all the time. And sometimes you are okay; because life is full of distractions. And sometimes you go back. Even after you said you wouldn’t. “For real this time,” you said. But you’re in love. And you can’t help it. So you go back every time thinking things will be different. One day hopefully it will be. Or one day you’ll fully heal. But truth be told, I don’t want to just heal, I want him. But I guess I would settle for either.
And then you make a playlist. And then you blog about it. Because your word vomit has to go somewhere. And Lord knows that boy doesn’t want to hear it.
- All I Ask – Adele – 25
“No one knows me like you do. And since you’re the only one that matters, tell me who do I run to?”
- Me, Myself, and I – Hanson – Shout It Out
“I don’t wanna get used to ‘it’s over’ but we’ve already said too much to make it new.”
- All Too Well – Taylor Swift – Red
“Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it. I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.”
- When I Was Your Man – Bruno Mars – Unorthodox Jukebox
“Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now. Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same.”
- California Rain – Betty Who – Take Me When You Go
“We won’t build a home, you won’t buy flowers every Monday.Or call on my birthday. I’m not the first & I won’t be the last to love you.”
- Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer – Continuum
“I was the one you always dreamed of, you were the one I tried to draw. How dare you say it’s nothing to me? Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw.”
- Silhouette – Owl City – The Midsummer Station
“I’m new to this grief I can’t explain. But I’m no stranger to the heartache and the pain.”
- Hurricane – Parachute – Overnight
“I’m standing in the pouring rain, I feel it like a hurricane. A photograph is all it takes, but I know I shouldn’t let it.”
- Unfair – Kate Voegele – A Fine Mess
“Cause those who get to know our hearts the most, they always seem to be the ones we’ll never hold.”
- Dreaming with a Broken Heart – John Mayer – Continuum
“When you’re dreaming with a broken hear the waking up is the hardest part. You fall outta bed, and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”
- Sunburn – Ed Sheeran – +
“If you cut deep then I might learn. If you scar and leave me like a sunburn.”
- You Were Meant for Me – Jewel – Pieces of You
“Same old story, not much to say. Hearts are broken everyday.”
- Sad Beautiful Tragic – Taylor Swift – Red
“And time is taking its sweet time erasing you. And you’ve got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me.”
- Say You Love Me – Jessica Ware – Tough Love
“Cause I don’t wanna fall in love if you don’t wanna try. But all that I’ve been thinking of is maybe that you might.”
- Sooner Surrender – Matt Nathanson – Modern Love
“I’d sooner surrender, than watch the last wall collapse. I’d sooner surrender and our love will count for everything. And I miss when you were everything.”
- Was I the Only One – Jordin Sparks – Battlefield
“I don’t understand how I can feel this pain, and still be alive. All these broken dreams and all these memories are killing me inside.”
- The Heart Wants What it Wants – Selena Gomez
“Save your advice cause I won’t hear. You might be right but I don’t care. There’s a million reasons why I should give you up, but…”
- Not in Love – Olin & The Moon – Footsteps
“Because you’re not in love. There’s no way you possibly could. You shouldn’t even like this, you just like the way it looks.”
Oh to be young, fanciful in love, to have your heart ripped out and experience the pity it makes you feel. Please Misty, do not think I mock you. As an older cousin who has seen you grow up from afar, I’m truthfully a bit jealous. I have seen you smile time and time again as you spend time with those who mean the most to you. I have seen and heard of your travels to places I have only dreamed of. I have seen you have a life I can only wish of. I have seen my fair share of headache also.
I have had my heart ripped out as I knew it then by my high school sweetheart. I have had my heart crushed by my first REAL adult relationship and marriage by adultery and divorce. I never wanted to be divorced. I wanted to be everything my parents were not. Married 3-4 times each, numerous siblings I truly never got to know. I thought I would be different….then comes the second divorce. Someone I thought I knew, someone who would be different from the last, someone I was determined to make it work no matter what. I guess some times we all still have that fairytail story stuck in our heads and even force it when it still isn’t right, just to get to that happy ending we all dream of.
Please don’t get me wrong, some us find that happy ending right away. Some are lucky, and honestly as much as I am envious of them, I still silently curse them from time to time; why haven’t I found that?! Me, well I have found another that makes me happy again. He’s not the first, or the second, but I look to everyday that he will be the last, but we never know what tomorrow will bring. I treat every day with him as a blessing. Because of past experiences, he may be gone in time, but I know at least I gave it my all. I enjoy our time together. I laugh, I cry, I show my insecurities, I share with him me. That is all I can give. BUT…..
There is always a side that I won’t give up, not just yet. Tonight, guess what I did?! I played dress up. Yep, a 37 year old with 3 kids, decided to play dress up in different clothes found in my closet. There can always be that fun side to you that can make yourself happy no matter what, no others needed. Yes, we all need a really good cry when things don’t go our way, but you are not the first, nor will you be the last to have such a heartache that brings you down.
You are a wonderful writer that has such a magnificent array of words and terminology, (see what I just did there 😉 don’t focus on heartache, focus on things that matter in this world. Make a difference to others that don’t have a voice. I have a feeling you WILL make our family proud..just be you every day.