Posts Tagged With: love

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

I hope “the other woman” is never a part of you life.
I hope that you never have to meet her, or hear about her, or think about her.
Because I hope for you, whoever you are, that she doesn’t exist.shakespeare

Because I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.

Because that kind of pain is something totally different. It’s an endless labyrinth full of twists and curves, and tunnels that lead you to new kinds of pain every day.

The initial pain is thinking about their whole relationship in your head. How intense is their relationship? How long has this been going on? How did it start? Why did it start? Did she not know? If she did know, why? If she didn’t know, how? Why didn’t he tell her? What did he tell her about you? Did he call you crazy? And trust me, after some time, you will be able to see it all, and then some.

And then it’s the pain of thinking about your own relationship with him. Why doesn’t he love me? Why would he be so cruel? Did he ever love me, did he ever even care at all? Was it a game the whole time?

The pain of realizing that everything he said to you, he was saying to her.
That quiet, soft voice that you thought was reserved only for you, he was also using with her.

The pain of realizing that the same lips he used to kiss you, were also kissing her.
That body that you felt so sure of and so safe with, was also holding her.

And then you feel disgusting and dirty.

The pain of having to imagine them in the same places that you once were yourself: his kitchen, his car, his office, his porch. Anywhere you ever were with him, is now tainted by her.

The pain of knowing you obviously weren’t good enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not funny enough.
Not talented enough.
No thoughtful enough.
Not enough.

The pain of wondering what is so wrong with you that he needed someone else.
Then the comparisons start; why is she better than me?

The pain of remembering all the times he excused himself from spending time you, that now you have to wonder if it was to spend time with her. You never wondered before what he was doing when he wasn’t with you, because you assumed that he was working, or hanging out with his other friends, or going to the gym, or doing something else productive to society, you never assumed he was cultivating another romantic relationship. How many stupid lies did you fall for?

The pain of feeling absolutely betrayed.

And then, another darker and worse tunnel leads you down the path of wondering how many other people knew about it and didn’t tell you? How many people saw what was going on, but allowed you to stay oblivious? How ridiculous did you look to those people?

That tunnel is where you meet your new friends embarrassment and humiliation. And you just learn to live with them. Because you were stupid and this is what happens to stupid girls.

You were not different. You were not special. You were just another girl.

(…but the secret is that YOU are special one. You have been all along.)

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Categories: Everyday Happenings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Same old story, not much to say. Hearts are broken every day.

Sad seasons in life (broken hearts) sometimes align with sad seasons in nature (winter).

Sometimes people let you believe that they love you, never actually correcting you or telling you otherwise, they just go on not loving you. While you stand by idly. Trusting their heart. Surrendering your heart over to them. Living in an illusion.

And then, instead of fighting for your heart when the moment arises, they just walk away. And you sit at home. And cry. Alternating between listening to sad songs and binge watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix (or on DVD when Netflix also betrays you). While you eat unhealthy amounts pizza and puppy chow. Because that is what numbs the pain.

People tell you that it gets better. That you deserved better. But thostirede aren’t the people who just watched their futures go from happily ever
after to lonely cat-lady.

All it does is reopen the wounds when you talk about it to new people and have to explain all the nuances of your lost relationship. And your friends, your real friends, the ones who know everything and love you anyway, they are tired of hearing about Adr-eh-um-him. They are tired of hearing about him. So you fake it. Fake it until you make it, right?

And so you pretend to be okay. Because it’s exhausting being sad all the time. And sometimes you are okay; because life is full of distractions. And sometimes you go back. Even after you said you wouldn’t. “For real this time,” you said. But you’re in love. And you can’t help it. So you go back every time thinking things will be different. One day hopefully it will be. Or one day you’ll fully heal. But truth be told, I don’t want to just heal, I want him. But I guess I would settle for either.

And then you make a playlist. And then you blog about it. Because your word vomit has to go somewhere. And Lord knows that boy doesn’t want to hear it.

  1. All I Ask – Adele – 25
    “No one knows me like you do. And since you’re the only one that matters, tell me who do I run to?”
  2. Me, Myself, and I – Hanson – Shout It Out
    “I don’t wanna get used to ‘it’s over’ but we’ve already said too much to make it new.”
  3. All Too Well – Taylor Swift – Red
    “Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it. I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.”
  4. When I Was Your Man – Bruno Mars – Unorthodox Jukebox
    “Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now. Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same.”
  5. California Rain – Betty Who – Take Me When You Go
    “We won’t build a home, you won’t buy flowers every Monday.Or call on my birthday. I’m not the first & I won’t be the last to love you.”
  6. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer – Continuum
    “I was the one you always dreamed of, you were the one I tried to draw. How dare you say it’s nothing to me? Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw.”
  7. Silhouette – Owl City – The Midsummer Station
    “I’m new to this grief I can’t explain. But I’m no stranger to the heartache and the pain.”
  8. Hurricane – Parachute – Overnight
    “I’m standing in the pouring rain, I feel it like a hurricane. A photograph is all it takes, but I know I shouldn’t let it.”
  9. Unfair – Kate Voegele – A Fine Mess
    “Cause those who get to know our hearts the most, they always seem to be the ones we’ll never hold.”
  10. Dreaming with a Broken Heart – John Mayer – Continuum
    “When you’re dreaming with a broken hear the waking up is the hardest part. You fall outta bed, and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”
  11. Sunburn – Ed Sheeran – +
    “If you cut deep then I might learn. If you scar and leave me like a sunburn.”
  12. You Were Meant for Me – Jewel – Pieces of You
    “Same old story, not much to say. Hearts are broken everyday.”
  13. Sad Beautiful Tragic – Taylor Swift – Red
    “And time is taking its sweet time erasing you. And you’ve got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me.”
  14. Say You Love Me – Jessica Ware – Tough Love
    “Cause I don’t wanna fall in love if you don’t wanna try. But all that I’ve been thinking of is maybe that you might.”
  15. Sooner Surrender – Matt Nathanson – Modern Love
    “I’d sooner surrender, than watch the last wall collapse. I’d sooner surrender and our love will count for everything. And I miss when you were everything.”
  16. Was I the Only One – Jordin Sparks – Battlefield
    “I don’t understand how I can feel this pain, and still be alive. All these broken dreams and all these memories are killing me inside.”
  17. The Heart Wants What it Wants – Selena Gomez
    “Save your advice cause I won’t hear. You might be right but I don’t care. There’s a million reasons why I should give you up, but…”
  18. Not in Love – Olin & The Moon – Footsteps
    “Because you’re not in love. There’s no way you possibly could. You shouldn’t even like this, you just like the way it looks.”
Categories: Playlists, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

To the boy who couldn’t love me (and probably isn’t read this):

I’m sorry for what we have become. The heartbreak and the hateful words and silence were never a part of the plan. I never wanted any of this for either of us. All I want is for you to be happy, and if your happiness is found in someone else, then I want you to have that person. I see now that you’re just not ready to settle down and be with me. And that’s okay. I can’t make you love me with the same exuberance as I love you. You’re young, and attractive, and funny, and smart, and charming, and you still have so many options to choose from, but I can’t be just an option. I need to be the only one. And as petty as you think it is or society thinks it is, I need labels. I get that labels aren’t cool, but listen, I never claimed to be cool. As uncool as I may be, I love equally as deeply, I need someone who isn’t afraid to love me the same way. And I get that you’re just not ready for it, but I can’t change who I am. And you can’t change who you are, and where you are in life. And I’m sorry for thinking that I could force that on you. Your feelings do matter. But I can’t be what you need in this season of your life, and I’m sorry.

Mostly I’m sorry that we’ll never get to live the life I’ve imagined for us. I’m sorry we won’t fly our families to Catalina one day to watch us celebrate our love for one another. And I’m sorry that we’ll never get that farm in Austin that we talked about, and that we’ll never have to struggle to figure out how you, and me, and Clark will all fit in one bed comfortably (because believe me, it was going to be a challenge), and that we won’t sit on our porch swing when we’re old and wrinkling drinking lemonade together. I’m sorry that we’ll never get to see the actualization of one another’s dreams. I just hope that one day we’ll reach the point of where I can still watch from a distance. Because when you figure it out, and to capture your potential in everything, you’ll have a beautiful life, and it will be worth beholding.

It’s just that sometimes people aren’t meant to be together. No matter how hard you try to force it. And boy, did we try to force it. I still don’t get it, I guess, why things like this happen. I can’t fathom for the life of me why a God who loves me more than anything would allow me to fall so desperately in love with someone I’m not supposed to spend my days growing old with. I’m sure many of you will have your explanations, but they will fall on deaf ears. I’ll never get it. Sure, I’ll hear you when you say “it will help you grow” and, “God’s just molding you so that when your prince charming comes along you’ll be ready” and I’ll nod and agree, but in my heart I won’t understand. Couldn’t I have been molded by some other force other than earth-shattering heartbreak?

My friends will all think this boy is the only person to blame for the situation. And I will love them for it, but they will be wrong. It’s also my fault. Behavior is cultivated. And what you allow is what will continue. And I allowed a lot. I allowed it because I was desperately in love (as I still am) and I thought being easy-going, letting him do what he wanted and make all the calls in the relationship would make him love me more (I don’t think it did). And because I have this idea in my head of who I don’t want to be. I never wanted to be that girl, the one who people refer to as “ball and chain.” The girl who is so needy that she become a joke to people. I wanted to be the lovable one, and I thought allowing an excess of things to go on would make me that girl, and that he would love me for it. I don’t think it did, I think it taught him to take me for granted. Maybe if I had asserted my needs a little earlier we wouldn’t be where we are now. Maybe we would be happy. Or maybe we would have found out long before now that we really weren’t meant for each other and we could have just been actual friends. And maybe I wouldn’t be miserable right now.

Many people will write-off our relationship because it was never an “official” relationship. They’ll say things like “well, you guys were never actually together so…” and those are the people who will hurt me the most. Because it doesn’t have to be official for it to hurt. He didn’t have change his Facebook status for it be real. Because my love was real. My tears are still very real. It was all real to me, because I had already committed to it. And by you taking that away from me, and invalidating it, it amplifies my pain. Because that means I just making a big deal out of nothing and I should just grow up. And thoughts like that won’t help me heal.

You know, and maybe it wasn’t as real for him, but even that kind of knowledge doesn’t make it any easier for me. In fact, I think it makes it harder. The realization that he might have never loved me hurts worse that thinking that he just fell out of love with me. To think that it was just a game for him to get what he wanted and then leave is even worse. And I try to not let my mind wander that way, but it happens. Because I’m cynical. I’ve spent the last 10 years thinking that I’m unlovable, because while all my friends are getting married and finding love and happiness, I’m not. Up until very recently I’ve never even been close. There’s never been anyone in my life who I’ve thought “yeah, I can spend forever with this person.” Until now. But what’s worse than not having anyone is fooling yourself into thinking you have someone, or having them in flashes and then nothing at all. I can tell you from experience, that is worse. People always say “it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all,” and those people are wrong.

I’ll spend the next several months trying to piece myself back together. And it will be hard. “Months” is a very optimistic way to look at it, it will likely be longer. Because I’ve spent the last two years forming this other version of myself. This pseudo-Misty who’s life was entangled with someone else. Because that is what you do when you’re in love. So now I have to disentangle myself and fill in the holes where he used to be.

Friends, please love me anyway. I’m just trying to find my joy again. Bare with me as I bail on your plans, and when I fake laugh at your jokes, and as I post a plethora of Taylor Swift lyrics to my social media accounts (can’t help it, girl just speaks to me), because eventually I’ll be the me you remember, or I’ll be a better version of her.

Categories: Everyday Happenings | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

The Moment I Knew

So recently I have been “talking” to this boy (who will remain nameless for his own protection). Which, in and of itself is a problem (for obvious reasons..I mean, I am 25-years-old). Mostly because when I say recently, I mean off and on for like a year. It’s not that I am 100% against “talking,” but when you can’t nail something down in a YEARS time, I think it’s time to move on. Be friends, don’t be friends, but definitely stop “talking.” Because prolonged “talking” is the hardest part of a relationship. “Talking” is when we are more concerned with who has the upper hand than actually attempting to fall in love. “Talking” causes more insecurities than are already present in everything but the most committed of relationships. “Talking” is the worst.

So please, take my advice.worth

You are worth more. I’m not just talking to girls here. Guys, you are worth more. Each of us, God-made human beings are worth more than “talking.” You are worth spending time with. You are worth phone calls. You are worth the most inconsequential of text messages, or Snapchats. You are worth reassuring. You are worth commitment. You are worth being made a priority. You are worth showing off, and meeting their friends and their family. You are worth bike rides, and road trips. You are worth day trips to the zoo, and museums. You are worth homemade dinners, and nights watching Netflix. You are worth so much more than you realize, and if the person you’re “talking” to doesn’t realize that, that is not your fault. It may not be anyone’s fault, but that doesn’t make it okay.

It will be hard, but you have to re-evaluate.

I tried every way in the world to convince someone that I was worth it, but you should never have to convince someone of your worth. And the moment I realized he wasn’t getting it, I made this play list. (Sorry for the Debbie-Dower post, but I had to make a public declaration, or I will fall into the same old cycle.)

1. The Moment I Knew — Taylor Swift  Red

“What do you say when tears are streaming down your face in front of everyone you know? And what do you do when the one who means the most to you is the one who didn’t show?”

2. All We Ever Do Is Say Goodbye — John Mayer  Battle Studies

“I love you more than songs can say, but I can’t keep running after yesterday.”

3. One Too Many — Bryan Greenberg  We Don’t Have Forever

“Ok, I’m here. I’m ready to talk. Sacred to hear my own voice. Try to listen to my broken heart. Drown out the noise.”

4. Forever and Almost Always — Kate Voegele  A Fine Mess

“You’ll be mine forever and almost always. It ain’t right to just love me when you can. I won’t wait patiently or wake up everyday just hoping that you’ll still care.”

5. The Hardest Part — Coldplay  X & Y

“And the hardest part was letting go, not taking part. You really broke my heart.”

6. World of Chances — Demi Lovato  Here We Go Again

“Maybe you’ll call me someday. Hear the operator say the number’s no good, and that she had a world of chances for you.”

7. Sooner Than Later — Drake  So Far Gone

“I forgot to call to you on your birthday. You swear you’re the last thing on my mind. There is nothing I can do to fix it,  all you ever asked me for was time.”

8. My Myself and I — Hanson  Shout It Out

“I’m not gonna try to forget. Maybe happiness is worth the chance of a bitter end?”

9. Hurricane — Parachute  Overnight

“Oh I knew, that even if I kept you in the dark it would never do, because it only takes a spark.”

10. White Horse — Taylor Swift  Fearless

“I was a dreamer before you went and let me down.”

11. It’s Beginning To Get To Me — Snow Patrol  Eyes Open

“And it’s beginning to get to me, that I know more of the stars and sea, than I do of what’s in your head.”

12. Beg You To Fall — Kate Voegele Gravity Happens

“And I don’t wanna stand here and beg you to fall. ‘Cause one day you’ll see, I was worth it all.”

13. Kept — Matt Nathanson  Modern Love

“And I should have kept my hands; I should have kept my arms inside. I believe it now. I should have kept my head. I should have kept my heart, my heart.”

14. I Almost Do — Taylor Swift  Red

“And I just wanna tell you it takes everything in me not to call you. And I wish I could run to you and I hope you know that every time I don’t I almost do.”

15. Make You Feel My Love — Adele  19

“When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, 

I could offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love.”

Listen to the playlist here.

Categories: Everyday Happenings, Playlists | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love.

Did anybody else get wished a happy single awareness day, or was it just me? single awareness day

Just me? Okay, cool.

Or maybe you heard the oh so familiar (and frustrating) line “don’t worry, one day it will happen” from your trying-to-be-helpful family and friends?

Again, just me? Man, that’s rough. Maybe I need to start spending less time looking for love and more time looking for new friends. Jk! I have good friends (I would venture to say the best), but listen, sometimes this isn’t what I want to hear. Especially when in the back of my mind, I’m pretty sure it’s my fault the whole “love thing” isn’t happening for me.

See, here are my main problems with love:

1. I only want what I can’t have. I’ve had this discussion with my bfffff Tara multiple times, I am honestly only interested in someone until he shows any amount of interest in me. Seriously. It happens pretty much every time. Every single time a new guys comes into my life and I think I might be in love with him (because those of you that know me know that I’m pretty much an all or nothing kind of girl, and that I sometimes use the word love too loosely), it’s obviously easier for me to love him from afar. But then, if said guy decides he also wants to love me, it’s game over. Game. Over. I’m pretty sure it’s a defense mechanism. You know, as long as there is absolutely no chance of a relationship there is also pretty much no chance of a broken heart. It’s solid logic, but not a solid way to actually live life. It’s a concerning aspect of my personality that I’m trying really hard to fix. I mean, what if one day Will Anderson appears in my life and I shut him down? I can’t be having that.

2. I tend to get defensive. When a guy that I’m interested in (and still talking to, see problem #1) hurts my feelings, I immediately go on the defensive and put up a wall. And then it’s game over. And contrary to popular belief, I do actually have pretty fragile feelings. I’ll probably never even tell him that he hurt my feelings, and he’ll probably never even know what he did wrong, but something will shift. And it will be game over.

I also tend to find myself fairly undesirable…a lifetime of not being desired will do that to you. So if a guy shows any sort of interest in me, I immediately have She’s All That flashbacks and assume it’s a game, so I get defensive of myself.

“Misty, you are so pretty. Let’s go on a date.” -boy who is actually trying to be nice.

“–insert snide, sarcastic comment–” -my immediate reaction. 

There are just so many mind games played today (by guys and girls) that it’s too hard to take anyone seriously. Also, I’ve had my share of broken hearts over silly games, and I’m not inclined to ever have to mend one again. So I just shut it down and don’t accept pursuing, because who knows if it real or a game? Once again, defense mechanism. It’s easier to not play the game, than to play the game a lose. This one is unfair to all the actual good guys, and I know that. You shouldn’t have to pay for others mistakes, but alas, you do, and I’m sorry. I’m working on that, too.

3. Friendzoning. I spend an unhealthy amount of time in the friend zone. Or more accurately, in limbo. Where you’re not quite sure what’s going on. Are we just friends? Are we friends with potential? Are we more than friends? Am I just a hook-up? LIKE, WHY IS THERE SO MUCH GREY?  Why can’t it be black and white? I’m not saying people should go from nothing to love immediately (like I so often do in my head), but if you’ve been “friends” for a while and you’re still in limbo, something needs done about that. And my problem is that something always gets done, it’s just not the good something. Usually if I find my self in limbo with a guy, I get mad that he can’t just make it black and white, so I go ahead and choose for him. Friendzone. Game over. If you’re reading this, and you think you might want to some day date me, heed my words…be a man about it (I know I’m giving advice that applies directly to me, but really you should give this courtesy with every girl). Have a DTR with me (DTR = Define The Relationship). If we are in limbo, be a man and let me know what you want out the relationship. Unfortunately for you (and fortunately for me) you are the man, so you get to be the one responsible for initiating the relationship. Sorry bro, house rules. If this DTR does not occur in what I deem a reasonable amount of time, I will get mad, and I will choose for you, and it will always be the friend zone. I’m sure this strategy has booted some pretty good guys from life as well.

So, there you have it. There is my self-disclosure for the week. I have a defective brain.

Now you all know why I’m still single, so please, stop asking.

Categories: Everyday Happenings | Tags: , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Day 28: This modern love is not enough (what is your love language)

I love love languages. I make it my personal mission to figure out everyone’s love language. Mostly because I’m just curious, but partly so that I know how to love that person. If I’m being honest, I’m probably still going to love them with my love language, but I’ll at least be aware of theirs.

My love language is touch. Which is the most obvious thing in the world once you’ve spent any amount of time with me. It’s the way I show love and the way I receive love.

If I’m not being touched, I don’t feel loved. That makes it really rough to live out in SoCal while my family and best friends live in the midwest. I know that I’m being loved, but it’s hard for me to really feel loved. It’s nothing that is their fault, it’s just the way I’m hardwired. Hugs are my favorite thing. I love hugs. But really most any kind of touch will do. When I’m watching TV or movies with people I want to sit right next to them (I am totally a cuddler) . When I’m walking with someone I want to link arms with them, or walk rightnextothem. When I’m talking to someone I will touch them. I just want to be close to people. Literally.

And I am forever analyzing what each touch means. That part is kind of obnoxious because most people don’t think about their touches, so they just do things offhandedly that I will spend hours trying to analyze.

I feel like touch is a dangerous love language to have. I feel like I sometimes offend people when I hug them or touch them, because some people are just not touchy people.  Which is rough for me because I’m just trying to love them, when in reality I’m making them uncomfortable. Case in point: my best friend in the whole world is not a very touchy person, which is strange for me. Sometimes I forget that about her because now that we are bffffs she has warmed up to the fact that I’m going to sit right next to her, or walk as close as humanly possible to her, or that I’m going to hug her…constantly (or she’s given up trying to fight it). But in the beginning I’m sure it was weird for her.

Perfect example of mine and Tara’s relationship (me, of course, being the black cat).

My second love language is quality time. I just like to be with the people that I love (preferably in close proximity). And I am an introvert, so generally I like to be alone. So you know I love you when I want to just spend time with you.  I can receive love by acts of service. I don’t really show love that way, but I “feel appreciated” when people offer to help me with things, or do things for me.  I will often preform acts of service even if I don’t love you, just out of kindness, so it’s not really a way I show love.

I feel awkward when I receive gifts. I’d much rather you spend the day with me, or give me a hug than buy me a gift. I do, however, like to give gifts. So I guess gifts are a way that I can show love, but not really a way I receive it. Which is sort of a double standard, but that’s just how I roll.

Words of affirmation is the one way that I don’t really receive or show love. I just feel so awkward. If someone give me words of affirmation, I automatically feel obligated to say something kind to them or complement them, or I shoot it down. Either way, I feel awkward and don’t really receive the love in the way I’m sure they are trying to show it. Words of affirmation are just not my thing..

Most of the time people are aware of their love language. You know yourself well enough to know if you’re a touchy person, or if you like to give and receive gifts, but incase you are curious about what your “official love language” is, take the test here.

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