Heartbreak |

I hope “the other woman” is never a part of you life.
I hope that you never have to meet her, or hear about her, or think about her.
Because I hope for you, whoever you are, that she doesn’t exist. shakespeare

Because I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.

Because that kind of pain is something totally different. It’s an endless labyrinth full of twists and curves, and tunnels that lead you to new kinds of pain every day.

The initial pain is thinking about their whole relationship in your head. How intense is their relationship? How long has this been going on? How did it start? Why did it start? Did she not know? If she did know, why? If she didn’t know, how? Why didn’t he tell her? What did he tell her about you? Did he call you crazy? And trust me, after some time, you will be able to see it all, and then some.

And then it’s the pain of thinking about your own relationship with him. Why doesn’t he love me? Why would he be so cruel? Did he ever love me, did he ever even care at all? Was it a game the whole time?

The pain of realizing that everything he said to you, he was saying to her.
That quiet, soft voice that you thought was reserved only for you, he was also using with her.

The pain of realizing that the same lips he used to kiss you, were also kissing her.
That body that you felt so sure of and so safe with, was also holding her.

And then you feel disgusting and dirty.

The pain of having to imagine them in the same places that you once were yourself: his kitchen, his car, his office, his porch. Anywhere you ever were with him, is now tainted by her.

The pain of knowing you obviously weren’t good enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not funny enough.
Not talented enough.
No thoughtful enough.
Not enough.

The pain of wondering what is so wrong with you that he needed someone else.
Then the comparisons start; why is she better than me?

The pain of remembering all the times he excused himself from spending time you, that now you have to wonder if it was to spend time with her. You never wondered before what he was doing when he wasn’t with you, because you assumed that he was working, or hanging out with his other friends, or going to the gym, or doing something else productive to society, you never assumed he was cultivating another romantic relationship. How many stupid lies did you fall for?

The pain of feeling absolutely betrayed.

And then, another darker and worse tunnel leads you down the path of wondering how many other people knew about it and didn’t tell you? How many people saw what was going on, but allowed you to stay oblivious? How ridiculous did you look to those people?

That tunnel is where you meet your new friends embarrassment and humiliation. And you just learn to live with them. Because you were stupid and this is what happens to stupid girls.

You were not different. You were not special. You were just another girl.

(…but the secret is that YOU are special one. You have been all along.)

Sad seasons in life (broken hearts) sometimes align with sad seasons in nature (winter).

Sometimes people let you believe that they love you, never actually correcting you or telling you otherwise, they just go on not loving you. While you stand by idly. Trusting their heart. Surrendering your heart over to them. Living in an illusion.

And then, instead of fighting for your heart when the moment arises, they just walk away. And you sit at home. And cry. Alternating between listening to sad songs and binge watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix (or on DVD when Netflix also betrays you). While you eat unhealthy amounts pizza and puppy chow. Because that is what numbs the pain.

People tell you that it gets better. That you deserved better. But thos tired e aren’t the people who just watched their futures go from happily ever
after to lonely cat-lady.

All it does is reopen the wounds when you talk about it to new people and have to explain all the nuances of your lost relationship. And your friends, your real friends, the ones who know everything and love you anyway, they are tired of hearing about Adr-eh-um-him. They are tired of hearing about him. So you fake it. Fake it until you make it, right?

And so you pretend to be okay. Because it’s exhausting being sad all the time. And sometimes you are okay; because life is full of distractions. And sometimes you go back. Even after you said you wouldn’t. “For real this time,” you said. But you’re in love. And you can’t help it. So you go back every time thinking things will be different. One day hopefully it will be. Or one day you’ll fully heal. But truth be told, I don’t want to just heal, I want him. But I guess I would settle for either.

And then you make a playlist. And then you blog about it. Because your word vomit has to go somewhere. And Lord knows that boy doesn’t want to hear it.

All I Ask – Adele – 25
“No one knows me like you do. And since you’re the only one that matters, tell me who do I run to?”
Me, Myself, and I – Hanson – Shout It Out
“I don’t wanna get used to ‘it’s over’ but we’ve already said too much to make it new.”
All Too Well – Taylor Swift – Red
“Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it. I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.”
When I Was Your Man – Bruno Mars – Unorthodox Jukebox
“Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now. Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same.”
California Rain – Betty Who – Take Me When You Go
“We won’t build a home, you won’t buy flowers every Monday.Or call on my birthday. I’m not the first & I won’t be the last to love you.”
Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer – Continuum
“I was the one you always dreamed of, you were the one I tried to draw. How dare you say it’s nothing to me? Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw.”
Silhouette – Owl City – The Midsummer Station
“I’m new to this grief I can’t explain. But I’m no stranger to the heartache and the pain.”
Hurricane – Parachute – Overnight
“I’m standing in the pouring rain, I feel it like a hurricane. A photograph is all it takes, but I know I shouldn’t let it.”
Unfair – Kate Voegele – A Fine Mess
“Cause those who get to know our hearts the most, they always seem to be the ones we’ll never hold.”
Dreaming with a Broken Heart – John Mayer – Continuum
“When you’re dreaming with a broken hear the waking up is the hardest part. You fall outta bed, and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”
Sunburn – Ed Sheeran – +
“If you cut deep then I might learn. If you scar and leave me like a sunburn.”
You Were Meant for Me – Jewel – Pieces of You
“Same old story, not much to say. Hearts are broken everyday.”
Sad Beautiful Tragic – Taylor Swift – Red
“And time is taking its sweet time erasing you. And you’ve got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me.”
Say You Love Me – Jessica Ware – Tough Love
“Cause I don’t wanna fall in love if you don’t wanna try. But all that I’ve been thinking of is maybe that you might.”
Sooner Surrender – Matt Nathanson – Modern Love
“I’d sooner surrender, than watch the last wall collapse. I’d sooner surrender and our love will count for everything. And I miss when you were everything.”
Was I the Only One – Jordin Sparks – Battlefield
“I don’t understand how I can feel this pain, and still be alive. All these broken dreams and all these memories are killing me inside.”
The Heart Wants What it Wants – Selena Gomez
“Save your advice cause I won’t hear. You might be right but I don’t care. There’s a million reasons why I should give you up, but…”
Not in Love – Olin & The Moon – Footsteps
“Because you’re not in love. There’s no way you possibly could. You shouldn’t even like this, you just like the way it looks.”

Posts Tagged With: Heartbreak

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