March 5, 2021

Today would have been my Mom’s 62nd birthday.

My Mom was kind, and thoughtful. She took care of everyone around her. My Mom was slow to anger and quick to forgive. She was dependable and was always willing to sacrifice for the greater good of her family and friends. She could not stay awake through a movie no matter what time of day you started it and she loved concerts and live music. She was funny and smart; she loved Elf, the Goblin King, Sharknado, and T-Rex jokes. My Mom was compassionate and loved animals. But mostly, she just loved us all really well.

My Mom was extra special, and I am not ready to conceit that “everything happens for a reason” or that “she is better off now”. I’m still really mad. Am I glad my Mom is no longer suffering, yes. But do I wish she was still here with me, also yes. She should be here to be showered with love, hugs, and senior citizen jokes. We should be ordering Mexican Villa and Orange Leaf or eating chicken n dumpling at Rob or Steph’s house.

But instead, I am just walking around like a zombie constantly looking for her everywhere and in everything. Constantly wishing I could call her or hug her. Reliving those miserable hours and days at the end where cancer took literally everything away from her. Desperately wishing I could focus in on all the good memories, instead of being haunted by the bad ones.  

Coming to terms with my Mom’s mortality has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I will spend the rest of my life missing a huge piece of my heart. While everyone else in the world mourned and then moved on, my world literally stopped turning. It’s been almost three months without her, and it feels like yesterday and an eternity all at once. And the only word I have to describe how I feel is empty.

I miss my Mom every day. In every moment. When I am awake and when I am asleep.
Every time it snows and every time the breeze jostles the windchimes outside.
I miss her when the dogs do something funny, and when I’m trying to cook.
When I remember the past, and when I dream about the future.
I miss her when I look in the mirror and see pieces of her younger self staring back at me.
And every time I still pick my phone up to call her. Or wish that I could hug her.
My heart is still in pieces, and it feels beyond repair.

The one thing this situation has taught me is that time is fleeting. We are here for only a little while. I am trying to be more appreciative of the people in my life that I love and trying to be better about brushing off the negativity. I’m telling and showing people that I love them with more frequency, because that’s what those people deserve. I’m trying to spend more time as a human BEING, instead of a human DOING. You can’t work your life away to keep up with Jones and neglect the people you love, because there will always be someone with more and better, but your loved ones won’t always be there.

So if you have her, hug your moms a little tighter today, because I would give anything to hug mine again.

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