When it’s 70 degrees in February

When it’s warm outside in February, there is no other option but to make a playlist you can listen to while your dog drags you around the park (I should really get a wagon or sled or something for him to pull me in, w’d both have more fun that way).  IMG_5736

All You Had To Do Was Stay – Taylor Swift – 1989
“People like you always want back, the love they pushed aside, but people like me are gone forever when you say goodbye.” 

Wild – Troye Sivan – Wild EP
“You make my heart shake, bend, and break. But I can’t turn away and it’s driving me wild.”

Without You – Parachute – Wide Awake
“Doesn’t matter where I go. Doesn’t matter if I run. We were always gonna get too close. We were always gonna fall in love.”

Remedy – Adele – 25
“When the world seems so cruel, and your heart makes you feel like a fool. I promise you will see that I will be your remedy.”

Don’t – Ed Sheeran – X
“And I wasn’t looking for a promise or 
commitment, but this was never just fun and I thought you were different.”

Same Old Love – Selena Gomez – Revival
“Take away your things and go, you can’t take back what you said. I know I’ve heard it all before at least a million times, I’m not one to forget, you know.”

Ordinary Words – Hanson – Members Only EP 2010
“Well, give it to me straight, so I can feel your pain. Nothing lasts forever, life don’t work that way. I know you’d love to hate me, but it’s too late for that.”

Say You’re Mine – Kate Voegele – Gravity Happens
“I bit my tongue for too long. My patience gets a bit thin. I gotta tell you the way that it is. I think you know this is something different we’ve started. We’re more than ordinary.”

Disappear – Matt Nathanson – Show Me Your Fangs
“For my greatest trick, the one everyone cheers. You’re deep in love, and I’m not even here.”

Should’ve Been Us – Tori Kelly – Unbreakable Smile
“Dressed up, got my heart messed up. You got yours and I got mine. It’s unfair that I still care and I wonder where you are tonight.”

Alone Again – Betty Who – Take Me When You Go
“Get away. Anywhere but here. I’m gonna give you a break. Drive until you disappear. And maybe then you’ll say ‘don’t ever leave me alone again’.”

Sorry – Justin Bieber – Purpose
“I know you know that I made those mistakes maybe once or twice. And by once or twice I mean maybe a couple a hundred times.”

Out Of the Woods – Taylor Swift – 1989
“Remember when we couldn’t take the heat? I walked out and said, ‘I’m settin’ you free,’ but the monsters turned out to be just trees. And when the sun came up you were looking at me.” 

We Don’t Talk Anymore – Charlie Puth Feat Selena Gomez – 9 Track Mind
“Every now and then I think you might want me to come show up at your door. But I’m just too afraid that I’ll be wrong.”

Shameless – The Weeknd – Beauty Behind The Madness
“You want me to fix you but it’s never enough. That’s why you always call me cause you’re scared to be loved.”

Holes Inside – Joe Brooks – A Reason To Swim
“If you hold tight, shadows will be lost in the light. Because sometimes, fate and your dreams will collide. So don’t walk away from me.” 

Energy – Drake – If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late
“I got girls askin’ me about the code for the Wi-Fi. So they can talk about they timeline and show me pictures of they friends, just to tell me they ain’t really friends.”

Catch Me – Demi Lovato – Here We Go Again
“Before I fall too fast, kiss me quick but make it last. So I can see how badly this will hurt me when you say goodbye.”

Perfect – One Direction – Made in the A.M.
“If you like cameras flashing every time we go out…”

Jinx – DANC – Swway EP
“Fingers cross when I kiss you. Knocking on wood when I miss you. Acting like a teenage fool when you are with me.” 

Sun is Shining – Axwell ^ Ingrosso – Sun is Shining (Single)
“And we’re gonna be alright. Dry your tears and hold tight. Can’t you tell I got news for you. Sun is shining and so are you.”

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#GratiTuesday: Side by side or miles a part, sisters will always be connected by the heart

This week I am grateful for my sister, Stephanie Bradshaw. Her birthday was last week, and this post was supposed to occur then, but as you clearly can see, planning ahead is not my strong suit.

SIMG_1749teph and I grew up in an unconventional family system. As you may know (or not know), we are technically only half-sisters. Not that that has ever really mattered to us, it just means that we had different dads. It never meant that we were any sort of “second rate sisters” or whatever. She grew up with my grandparents in their home with my brother, while I grew up at home with my mom and dad (her mom also, just so we’re clear). I honestly think that’s probably why we get along so well, because we never really had to compete for attention. And I’m sure that 8.5 year (to be exact. I was her half-brithday present) age gap helps in that as well, that meant we were never trying to share friends or make-up or clothing, so there was really nothing to fight about.

I can remember being probably about 6th grade aged and it was the beginning of the school year and my parents didn’t have the money to take me new clothes shopping, and as far as I was concerned that was the end of the world. Because what kind of girls shows up to the first day of school in something she wore to school last year? But Steph took me shopping with her own money and bought me at least two new outfits (one of them included Mary-Kate and Ashley brand electric blue plaid pants). And it was then that I knew I wanted to be like hr when I grew up. Steph is kind, and funny (sometimes the two are mutually exclusive). She thinks of others. She’s a thoughtful, creative writer. And I’m proud that she is my sister. IMG_2557

These days we’re best friends because that 8.5 years didn’t matter so much once we both because adults. Though she does still feed me on occasion because as an adult mother she cooks dinner every night, and as an adult with just a dog I don’t always cook dinner (read: pretty much never).

We like to go to concerts together (namely Taylor Swift, we’ve seen her every time she’s come to the Sprint Center) and we like to go shopping…well I like to go shopping, she probably wouldn’t agree so much on that one. What we can agree on is Cici’s Pizza, we would both eat there literally every day if given the chance.

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Love you, Steph! Happy GratiTuesday!

(Lucky for everyone I’m such a poor planner that I couldn’t find any photos of us as children. I did com across this one from her wedding though! So rejoice, sister! Also you can thank our mother who pretty much took zero photos during my childhood.)

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Grammy “Predictions”

Each year I try to predict how the Academy will choose it’s winner, but the is year I’m 26 and have discovered that there is literally no predicting anything. Not the weather, and definitely not the Academy.

So this year I’m just going to to go with my heart and choose who I want to win the awards. (and you can pretty much assume if T. Swift is nominated, I want her to win.) I didn’t choose for the awards of music I didn’t listen to…obviously. Some of the awards I have attached reasons I want them to win…some of them I didn’t.

Record Of The Year
• Really Love — D’Angelo And The Vanguard
• Uptown Funk — Mark Ronson Featuring Bruno Mars
• Thinking Out Loud — Ed Sheeran
• Blank Space — Taylor Swift
• Can’t Feel My Face — The Weeknd

If we give them a Grammy will the song go away? I like it (not as much as I liked the bottom three nominees), and it was good the first 400 billion times I heard it, but now I find myself switching stations when it comes on. But, the fact that I’ve hear it upwards of 400 billion times has got to count for something. 

Album Of The Year
• Sound & Color —  Alabama Shakes
• To Pimp A Butterfly — Kendrick Lamar
• Traveller —  Chris Stapleton
• 1989 — Taylor Swift
• Beauty Behind The Madness — The Weeknd

The Academy is so random when they choose their winners. I can’t actually decide how they choose? Commercial success? Critical success? Relevancy? I’m actually convinced they just put all the names in a hat and draw from it. Yes, all of the albums are good, but none of them had the selling power of 1989, nor did any of the rest of them produce as many singles as 1989.

Song Of The Year
• Alright —  Kendrick Duckworth, Mark Anthony Spears & Pharrell Williams, songwriters (Kendrick Lamar)
• Blank Space — Max Martin, Shellback & Taylor Swift, songwriters
(Taylor Swift)
• Girl Crush — Hillary Lindsey, Lori McKenna & Liz Rose, songwriters
(Little Big Town)
• See You Again — Andrew Cedar, Justin Franks, Charles Puth & Cameron Thomaz, songwriters (Wiz Khalifa Featuring Charlie Puth)
• Thinking Out Loud — Ed Sheeran & Amy Wadge, songwriters
(Ed Sheeran)

I love Ed Sheeran, and I loved See You Again…but Blank Space is one of the best written, most clever, and creative songs to be written in a long time.

Best New Artist
• Courtney Barnett
• James Bay
• Sam Hunt
• Tori Kelly
• Meghan Trainor

This one, for me, is kind of a toss up between Megan Trainer and Tori Kelly. Megan Trainer writes some pretty catchy songs, but Tori Kelly is a pretty much undiscovered powerhouse.

Best Pop Solo Performance
• Heartbeat Song — Kelly Clarkson
• Love Me Like You Do — Ellie Goulding
• Thinking Out Loud — Ed Sheeran
• Blank Space — Taylor Swift
• Can’t Feel My Face — The Weeknd

Be still my heart.

Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
• Ship To Wreck — Florence + The Machine
• Sugar — Maroon 5
• Uptown Funk — Mark Ronson Featuring Bruno Mars
• Bad Blood — Taylor Swift Featuring Kendrick Lamar
• See You Again — Wiz Khalifa Featuring Charlie Puth

I actually like the Taylor Swift not featuring Kendrick Lamar version better. And this is my favorite Maroon 5 song since their Hands All Over album. 

Best Pop Vocal Album
• Piece By Piece — Kelly Clarkson
• How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful — Florence + The Machine
• Uptown Special — Mark Ronson
 • 1989 — Taylor Swift
• Before This World — James Taylor

Best Dance Recording
• We’re All We Need — Above & Beyond Featuring Zoë Johnston
• Go — The Chemical Brothers
• Never Catch Me —  Flying Lotus Featuring Kendrick Lamar
• Runaway (U & I) — Galantis
• Where Are Ü Now — Skrillex And Diplo With Justin Bieber

Give the Biebs a Grammy!

Best Rap Performance
• Apparently —  J. Cole
• Back To Back — Drake
• Trap Queen — Fetty Wap
• Alright — Kendrick Lamar
• Truffle Butter —  Nicki Minaj Featuring Drake & Lil Wayne
• All Day — Kanye West Featuring Theophilus London, Allan Kingdom & Paul McCartney

Full disclosure: I only listen to Drake.

Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
• One Man Can Change The World — Big Sean Featuring Kanye West & John Legend
• Glory —  Common & John Legend
• Classic Man — Jidenna Featuring Roman GianArthur
• These Walls — Kendrick Lamar Featuring Bilal, Anna Wise & Thundercat
• Only —  Nicki Minaj Featuring Drake, Lil Wayne & Chris Brown

This song made it onto my ultimate summer 2015 playlist

Best Rap Song
• All Day — Ernest Brown, Tyler Bryant, Sean Combs, Mike Dean, Rennard East, Noah Goldstein, Malik Yusef Jones, Karim Kharbouch, Allan Kyariga, Kendrick Lamar, Paul McCartney, Victor Mensah, Charles Njapa, Che Pope, Patrick Reynolds, Allen Ritter, Kanye West, Mario Winans & Cydel Young, songwriters
(Kanye West Featuring Theophilus London, Allan Kingdom & Paul McCartney)
• Alright — Kendrick Duckworth, Mark Anthony Spears & Pharrell Williams, songwriters (Kendrick Lamar)
• Energy — Richard Dorfmeister, A. Graham, Markus Kienzl, M. O’Brien, M. Samuels & Phillip Thomas, songwriters
(Drake)
• Glory — Lonnie Lynn, Che Smith & John Stephens, songwriters
(Common & John Legend)
• Trap Queen — Tony Fadd & Willie J. Maxwell, songwriters
(Fetty Wap)

Side note: WHY DO YOU NEED NINETEEN SONGWRITERS FOR ONE SONG! If it takes that many people to make it work…you should just give it up!

Best Rap Album
• 2014 Forest Hills Drive —  J. Cole
• Compton —  Dr. Dre
• If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late — Drake
• To Pimp A Butterfly — Kendrick Lamar
• The Pinkprint — Nicki Minaj

Best Country Solo Performance
• Burning House — Cam
• Traveller — Chris Stapleton
• Little Toy Guns — Carrie Underwood
• John Cougar, John Deere, John 3:16 — Keith Urban
• Chances Are — Lee Ann Womack

Best Country Duo/Group Performance
• Stay A Little Longer — Brothers Osborne
• If I Needed You — Joey+Rory
• The Driver — Charles Kelley, Dierks Bentley & Eric Paslay
• Girl Crush — Little Big Town
• Lonely Tonight — Blake Shelton Featuring Ashley Monroe

Boy can Charles Kelly sing.

Best Country Song
• Chances Are — Hayes Carll, songwriter
(Lee Ann Womack)
• Diamond Rings And Old Barstools — Barry Dean, Luke Laird & Jonathan Singleton, songwriters (Tim McGraw)
• Girl Crush — Hillary Lindsey, Lori McKenna & Liz Rose, songwriters
(Little Big Town)
• Hold My Hand — Brandy Clark & Mark Stephen Jones, songwriters
(Brandy Clark)
• Traveller — Chris Stapleton, songwriter
(Chris Stapleton)

Pretty clever. 

Best Country Album
• Montevallo — Sam Hunt
• Pain Killer — Little Big Town
• The Blade — Ashley Monroe
• Pageant Material — Kacey Musgraves
• Traveller — Chris Stapleton

Best Compilation Soundtrack For Visual Media
• Empire: Season 1
• Fifty Shades Of Grey
• Glen Campbell: I’ll Be Me
• Pitch Perfect 2
• Selma

They incorporated Mmmbop, how can I not choose them?

Best Song Written For Visual Media
• Earned It (Fifty Shades Of Grey) — Ahmad Balshe, Stephan Moccio, Jason Quenneville & Abel Tesfaye, songwriters (The Weeknd)
• Glory — Lonnie Lynn, Che Smith & John Stephens, songwriters (Common & John Legend)
• Love Me Like You Do — Savan Kotecha, Max Martin, Tove Nilsson, Ali Payami & Ilya Salmanzadeh, songwriters (Ellie Goulding)
• See You Again — Andrew Cedar, Justin Franks, Charles Puth & Cameron Thomaz, songwriters (Wiz Khalifa Featuring Charlie Puth)
• Til It Happens To You — Lady Gaga & Diane Warren, songwriters (Lady Gaga)

I did not cry in the back of the theater of AN ACTION MOVIE or nothing.

Best Music Video
• LSD — ASAP Rocky
• I Feel Love (Every Million Miles) — The Dead Weather
• Alright — Kendrick Lamar
• Bad Blood — Taylor Swift Featuring Kendrick Lamar
• Freedom — Pharrell Williams

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#GratiTuesday: Bolivar City Fire

Today, and always, I am grateful for my Bolivar City Fire Department family. All of them.

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I know I have blogged about this before, but it’s never going to stop being true, I never in a million years thought I would be working in the fire service. Like, never. The thought never once crossed my mind.

But now, after three years with BCFD, I have no idea who I would be without these people in my life. They have given me so much and enriched my life more than I can quantify. And I don’t just mean the people who work with me at the station…I mean everyone of them, spouses/significant others and children included.

These families have graciously welcomed me into their hearts. I’ve formed friendships with them that I didn’t even know I needed.

And that is what I love so much about BCFD, we truly are a family. And how many people get to say that about the people they work with? I am a lucky girl. It sounds a little exaggerated to say it, but I really believe if I was in distress I could call anyone of the members of our department and they would drop everything to aid me…I’ve seen it happen. And I don’t think there is a single crew who’s family hasn’t welcomed me to a meal (or twelve), and their wives/fiancés/significant others have spent many hours hanging out and talking with me and getting to know me. And that means more to me that I think they’ll ever comprehend. Because being accepted and loved by your work family is not a luxury everyone has, and I feel very fortunate.

I am eternally grateful for their friendships.

Happy GratiTuesday! 

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#GratiTuesday: Alexis Layne

Today is the 12th birthday of my niece, Alexis. And today I am grateful for her.
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She is funny, smart, and creative.
And when I say smart, I mean she’s way smarter than I was at 12. She’s probably way smarter at 12 than I am at 26.
And when I say creative, I mean that she has more creativity in her pinky than I could ever hope to have. She likes to paint and draw and create things.

 
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She is also thoughtful and has a mess of feelings. And it’s hard having feelings in middle school. Because middle schoolers are not the most sensitive of creatures. They poke and make fun, and bully. And I spend a lot of time worrying about her.

She’d rather play Minecraft than wash her hair, and I love her for that. Because come on, why wash your hair if you don’t have to?

Happy Birthday, Alexis! And happy GratiTuesday!

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#GratiTuesday: Colossians 3:13

This week I am grateful for forgiveness. I know that sounds cliche, but this is my blog and I’ll be cliche if I want to. And as my bfffff Tara would say, cliches are cliches for a reason.

12301754_10153186971036975_2715205849436186696_nMy gratefulness for forgiveness comes in two primary tangents. First, I am eternally grateful for the forgiveness that comes from my Savior. The guy who knows all my hidden sins and all the bad things I do, but still chooses to call me by name. Christ forgives what I’ve done (and what He already knows I’m going to do) and instead decides to see my potential for what I could be one day.

What kind of life would it be with no hope, which is what I would have without forgiveness? No hope to be better. No hope to be stronger. No hope to be happier, or smarter, or kinder. That wouldn’t be a life I would be interested in living. So I am grateful to be a loved child of the King.

Second-fold: I’m grateful for the forgiveness my friends and family extend to me on a daily basis. I am aware that I am not the easiest person to get along with all the time. I have my selfish moments, and I have my hateful moments, and my ridiculous moments, but my friends and family love me regardless of how bad I mess up. And I mess up a lot, but they always look to see the better parts of me, even on days when those parts are tucked way deep inside.

Without their gracious hearts, and their willingness to forgive my flaws, I would have no one. And I don’t think that’s a life I’d be interested in living either.

So, to my friends and family, thanks for forgiving me, and remembering that I can sometimes be cool, even when I suck.

Happy GratiTuesday! (Even though today is Wednesday. I knew this moment was inevitable. I knew I was bound to miss a Tuesday somewhere along the line…I just thought it’d be further out than week three!)

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#GratiTuesday: “It is health that is wealth, and not pieces of gold and silver.”

Today I am grateful for my relative good health.

This seems like something small, but it’s really not. It’s a really big deal that I take for granted on a daily basis. The fact that I don’t get colds, or the flu, or have any kind of chronic pain is a huge blessing in my life.

I’m not trying to brag or anything, but I basically never get sick. I’m convinced it’s because I ate dirt as a child and refused to bathe, but look Ma, it all worked out in the end! I have developed a pretty stellar immune system, and for that I am grateful.

I can remember in college living in the dorms (#B1Sforever) how when one girl got sick, it was just a matter of time until the entire floor was sick. But I was never a part of that group…and it wasn’t because I spent the month in isolation.

pizzaAlso, I can 100% testify to the fact that I don’t exactly treat my body like a temple. I eat junk food. I stay up late. I don’t fitness (yes, I just used fitness as proper verb). My body has every reason to revolt against me. But it continues to be a brick house. And for that I am grateful.

Being sick is actually one of my greatest fears. I’m afraid that one day I’ll go from totally fine, to mortally ill. And I’ll get no warning. That one day I’ll use up all of my immune system tokens and then boom terminal illness. I’m not trying to make light of it, because terminal illness is not something I joke about, but making it a little lighter is the only way to console my fears of it. I’m constantly having to remind myself that God doesn’t work like that, trading tokens for health.

So until told otherwise, I’ll continue to live in the glow that is being healthy and I’ll try to not take my working extremities for granted.

Happy GratiTuesday!

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#GratiTuesday: Mama like the roses, but most of all she cared

I’ve notice, upon review of my recent blog posts that I spend a lot of time being sad. Or lamenting about being sad. Or complaining about things.

Which is sad. Because I actually do live an incredible life. So, I’ve decided that throughout the year of 2016, I’ll be focusing on being grateful for what I’ve been given, because even through the rough patches of life, it’s still incredible. Each day that I wake up with Clark in my lap is a gift. Each time I open my phone to text message or a phone call, I’m reminded of all the people who love me, and that is a gift.

So each week (hopefully) you’ll be seeing a post of from on something I’m grateful for. These posts will conveniently be on Tuesday, because it makes a nice little hashtag 🙂

The first #GratiTuesday I’d like to go on record is for my Mom. God bless my mother, who knows how she does the things that she does? I have no idea how she manages to be so good a life.

She’s selfless, and hilarious. She puts up with me with an outrageous amount of patience. Which I know is a thing all moms do, but if you know me at all, you know this is a bigger feat that most. She has spent many hours on the phone with me teaching me how to do laundry, whether it’s really okay to leave a crockpot on ALL DAY while you leave the house, and talking me through long LA traffic jams.

She’s a lover of music, and a lover of nap time (which I think has been passed down genetically). She sleeps through movies, but still indulges my Dad and me when we drag her to IMAX showings of Star Wars on opening weekend…when we had to stand in line for 2.5 hours…to see the movie in a theater full of nerds.

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I’ve never particularly wanted kids, but if someday they appear in my future, I could only hope to be as great of a mother as she has been to me.

Love you, Mom!
Happy GratiTuesday!

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Same old story, not much to say. Hearts are broken every day.

Sad seasons in life (broken hearts) sometimes align with sad seasons in nature (winter).

Sometimes people let you believe that they love you, never actually correcting you or telling you otherwise, they just go on not loving you. While you stand by idly. Trusting their heart. Surrendering your heart over to them. Living in an illusion.

And then, instead of fighting for your heart when the moment arises, they just walk away. And you sit at home. And cry. Alternating between listening to sad songs and binge watching Friday Night Lights on Netflix (or on DVD when Netflix also betrays you). While you eat unhealthy amounts pizza and puppy chow. Because that is what numbs the pain.

People tell you that it gets better. That you deserved better. But thostirede aren’t the people who just watched their futures go from happily ever
after to lonely cat-lady.

All it does is reopen the wounds when you talk about it to new people and have to explain all the nuances of your lost relationship. And your friends, your real friends, the ones who know everything and love you anyway, they are tired of hearing about Adr-eh-um-him. They are tired of hearing about him. So you fake it. Fake it until you make it, right?

And so you pretend to be okay. Because it’s exhausting being sad all the time. And sometimes you are okay; because life is full of distractions. And sometimes you go back. Even after you said you wouldn’t. “For real this time,” you said. But you’re in love. And you can’t help it. So you go back every time thinking things will be different. One day hopefully it will be. Or one day you’ll fully heal. But truth be told, I don’t want to just heal, I want him. But I guess I would settle for either.

And then you make a playlist. And then you blog about it. Because your word vomit has to go somewhere. And Lord knows that boy doesn’t want to hear it.

  1. All I Ask – Adele – 25
    “No one knows me like you do. And since you’re the only one that matters, tell me who do I run to?”
  2. Me, Myself, and I – Hanson – Shout It Out
    “I don’t wanna get used to ‘it’s over’ but we’ve already said too much to make it new.”
  3. All Too Well – Taylor Swift – Red
    “Time won’t fly, it’s like I’m paralyzed by it. I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.”
  4. When I Was Your Man – Bruno Mars – Unorthodox Jukebox
    “Same bed but it feels just a little bit bigger now. Our song on the radio but it don’t sound the same.”
  5. California Rain – Betty Who – Take Me When You Go
    “We won’t build a home, you won’t buy flowers every Monday.Or call on my birthday. I’m not the first & I won’t be the last to love you.”
  6. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room – John Mayer – Continuum
    “I was the one you always dreamed of, you were the one I tried to draw. How dare you say it’s nothing to me? Baby, you’re the only light I ever saw.”
  7. Silhouette – Owl City – The Midsummer Station
    “I’m new to this grief I can’t explain. But I’m no stranger to the heartache and the pain.”
  8. Hurricane – Parachute – Overnight
    “I’m standing in the pouring rain, I feel it like a hurricane. A photograph is all it takes, but I know I shouldn’t let it.”
  9. Unfair – Kate Voegele – A Fine Mess
    “Cause those who get to know our hearts the most, they always seem to be the ones we’ll never hold.”
  10. Dreaming with a Broken Heart – John Mayer – Continuum
    “When you’re dreaming with a broken hear the waking up is the hardest part. You fall outta bed, and down on your knees, and for a moment you can hardly breathe.”
  11. Sunburn – Ed Sheeran – +
    “If you cut deep then I might learn. If you scar and leave me like a sunburn.”
  12. You Were Meant for Me – Jewel – Pieces of You
    “Same old story, not much to say. Hearts are broken everyday.”
  13. Sad Beautiful Tragic – Taylor Swift – Red
    “And time is taking its sweet time erasing you. And you’ve got your demons, and, darling, they all look like me.”
  14. Say You Love Me – Jessica Ware – Tough Love
    “Cause I don’t wanna fall in love if you don’t wanna try. But all that I’ve been thinking of is maybe that you might.”
  15. Sooner Surrender – Matt Nathanson – Modern Love
    “I’d sooner surrender, than watch the last wall collapse. I’d sooner surrender and our love will count for everything. And I miss when you were everything.”
  16. Was I the Only One – Jordin Sparks – Battlefield
    “I don’t understand how I can feel this pain, and still be alive. All these broken dreams and all these memories are killing me inside.”
  17. The Heart Wants What it Wants – Selena Gomez
    “Save your advice cause I won’t hear. You might be right but I don’t care. There’s a million reasons why I should give you up, but…”
  18. Not in Love – Olin & The Moon – Footsteps
    “Because you’re not in love. There’s no way you possibly could. You shouldn’t even like this, you just like the way it looks.”
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To the boy who couldn’t love me (and probably isn’t read this):

I’m sorry for what we have become. The heartbreak and the hateful words and silence were never a part of the plan. I never wanted any of this for either of us. All I want is for you to be happy, and if your happiness is found in someone else, then I want you to have that person. I see now that you’re just not ready to settle down and be with me. And that’s okay. I can’t make you love me with the same exuberance as I love you. You’re young, and attractive, and funny, and smart, and charming, and you still have so many options to choose from, but I can’t be just an option. I need to be the only one. And as petty as you think it is or society thinks it is, I need labels. I get that labels aren’t cool, but listen, I never claimed to be cool. As uncool as I may be, I love equally as deeply, I need someone who isn’t afraid to love me the same way. And I get that you’re just not ready for it, but I can’t change who I am. And you can’t change who you are, and where you are in life. And I’m sorry for thinking that I could force that on you. Your feelings do matter. But I can’t be what you need in this season of your life, and I’m sorry.

Mostly I’m sorry that we’ll never get to live the life I’ve imagined for us. I’m sorry we won’t fly our families to Catalina one day to watch us celebrate our love for one another. And I’m sorry that we’ll never get that farm in Austin that we talked about, and that we’ll never have to struggle to figure out how you, and me, and Clark will all fit in one bed comfortably (because believe me, it was going to be a challenge), and that we won’t sit on our porch swing when we’re old and wrinkling drinking lemonade together. I’m sorry that we’ll never get to see the actualization of one another’s dreams. I just hope that one day we’ll reach the point of where I can still watch from a distance. Because when you figure it out, and to capture your potential in everything, you’ll have a beautiful life, and it will be worth beholding.

It’s just that sometimes people aren’t meant to be together. No matter how hard you try to force it. And boy, did we try to force it. I still don’t get it, I guess, why things like this happen. I can’t fathom for the life of me why a God who loves me more than anything would allow me to fall so desperately in love with someone I’m not supposed to spend my days growing old with. I’m sure many of you will have your explanations, but they will fall on deaf ears. I’ll never get it. Sure, I’ll hear you when you say “it will help you grow” and, “God’s just molding you so that when your prince charming comes along you’ll be ready” and I’ll nod and agree, but in my heart I won’t understand. Couldn’t I have been molded by some other force other than earth-shattering heartbreak?

My friends will all think this boy is the only person to blame for the situation. And I will love them for it, but they will be wrong. It’s also my fault. Behavior is cultivated. And what you allow is what will continue. And I allowed a lot. I allowed it because I was desperately in love (as I still am) and I thought being easy-going, letting him do what he wanted and make all the calls in the relationship would make him love me more (I don’t think it did). And because I have this idea in my head of who I don’t want to be. I never wanted to be that girl, the one who people refer to as “ball and chain.” The girl who is so needy that she become a joke to people. I wanted to be the lovable one, and I thought allowing an excess of things to go on would make me that girl, and that he would love me for it. I don’t think it did, I think it taught him to take me for granted. Maybe if I had asserted my needs a little earlier we wouldn’t be where we are now. Maybe we would be happy. Or maybe we would have found out long before now that we really weren’t meant for each other and we could have just been actual friends. And maybe I wouldn’t be miserable right now.

Many people will write-off our relationship because it was never an “official” relationship. They’ll say things like “well, you guys were never actually together so…” and those are the people who will hurt me the most. Because it doesn’t have to be official for it to hurt. He didn’t have change his Facebook status for it be real. Because my love was real. My tears are still very real. It was all real to me, because I had already committed to it. And by you taking that away from me, and invalidating it, it amplifies my pain. Because that means I just making a big deal out of nothing and I should just grow up. And thoughts like that won’t help me heal.

You know, and maybe it wasn’t as real for him, but even that kind of knowledge doesn’t make it any easier for me. In fact, I think it makes it harder. The realization that he might have never loved me hurts worse that thinking that he just fell out of love with me. To think that it was just a game for him to get what he wanted and then leave is even worse. And I try to not let my mind wander that way, but it happens. Because I’m cynical. I’ve spent the last 10 years thinking that I’m unlovable, because while all my friends are getting married and finding love and happiness, I’m not. Up until very recently I’ve never even been close. There’s never been anyone in my life who I’ve thought “yeah, I can spend forever with this person.” Until now. But what’s worse than not having anyone is fooling yourself into thinking you have someone, or having them in flashes and then nothing at all. I can tell you from experience, that is worse. People always say “it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all,” and those people are wrong.

I’ll spend the next several months trying to piece myself back together. And it will be hard. “Months” is a very optimistic way to look at it, it will likely be longer. Because I’ve spent the last two years forming this other version of myself. This pseudo-Misty who’s life was entangled with someone else. Because that is what you do when you’re in love. So now I have to disentangle myself and fill in the holes where he used to be.

Friends, please love me anyway. I’m just trying to find my joy again. Bare with me as I bail on your plans, and when I fake laugh at your jokes, and as I post a plethora of Taylor Swift lyrics to my social media accounts (can’t help it, girl just speaks to me), because eventually I’ll be the me you remember, or I’ll be a better version of her.

Categories: Everyday Happenings | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

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