Posts Tagged With: sadness

When the night’s the darkest, you can see the stars

To say my life has been dark lately would be a gross understatement. It’s literally just been one thing after another after another after another. Like seriously, give. me. a. break. 

And I’m not going to lie to you, I haven’t always dealt with life’s blows gracefully. I sulk, and I lash out, and I recoil. Mostly I sleep and ignore people. That’s my coping mechanism. Say what you will, but it’s healthier (and cheaper) than heroin, right?

In my last blog I tried to describe what it feels like to be “more than just sad” during the holidays. It was hard then, and then things got worse. It’s one thing to lose one person you care about, it’s infinitely worse to be blindsided by the loss of several people.

Without going into a lot of detail (if you’re here to read the latest gossip in the on-going saga of my life, then you’ve come to the wrong place), I got pretty badly hurt. But, it was not by the person who I thought would deliver the most painful blow. Honestly, it was the way everyone else reacted that hurt the most.

The fallout was worse than the initial impact. 
My friends, or people who I thought were my friends, turned their backs on me.
When I needed them the most they were nowhere to be found.

Under the guise of not wanting to get involved, or trying to stay neutral, they all left me high and dry. And that was when I learn a valuable lesson first hand: your boyfriend’s friends are not your friends. I thought due to the fact that my circumstances were different that my outcome would be different. I knew most of them outside of Lucas*. Even if Lucas had never been in the picture, I still would have known these people, and we still would have been friends. So I thought it was different.

It was not different.
When the dust settled, they were not my friends.
They were his.

That’s when I learned a second lesson: when the night is the darkest, you can see thedark2 stars. This works both on a scientific level, with actual stars, but also on a metaphorical level. Right now, while my night is the darkest, the stars in my life are all the more clear. And it’s not always the people who you would expect. There were people who I believed in, who let me down, and there were people that I didn’t really give a second thought to, who have stuck by my side. Life is funny like that. Constantly reminding you that you have no idea what’s going on.

Right now, it’s easy to see the people who really care about me. Because when you care about someone, you don’t skirt around the hard topics, you face them head on. When you care about someone, you don’t avoid them when you think something might be awkward, you walk through that awkwardness with them. When you care about someone you are not just there when it’s easy, you hang around when life gets messy.

These people, my metaphorical stars, have the knack for knowing when to be exactly what I need. They know when to give me tough love, and when to offer gentler advice; when to offer me a distraction, and when to let me wallow a little; when to encourage me to run a 5K, and when to feed me and tell me I’m pretty. They’ve all been incredibly thoughtful and kind to me, even when sometimes I was less than kind and thoughtful in return (read: when I was the worst person to be around).

So in a really strange way, I can already see the bright side of this situation. If nothing else comes from this, at least now I know who is in my corner. It was brought to my attention recently that I had been “burning bridges” with people, which I didn’t for a minute think was true. What had I done to burn any bridges? I wasn’t hateful to anyone, I didn’t even really talk to anyone about what was going on. How could I be burning bridges with people I wasn’t even talking to? But it looks like I was just blissfully unaware. I’ll just say this, if a rumor, or a little awkwardness is enough for you to cut ties with me, then honestly, I’m probably better off without you. I am not currently in a position to be able to tolerate having to question the intentions of everyone around me.

Feel free to divide yourselves up into the categories of STARS and BRIDGES and then react accordinglyI don’t think it will be hard, you know who you are on both sides of the fence. Thank you for continuing to help me figure life out, because you all play your part, some just do it better than others.

*name changed for obvious reasons

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Categories: Everyday Happenings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

A that’s the thing about pain, it demands to be felt.

It’s okay to feel sad.pain
It’s okay to feel sad.
It’s okay to feel sad.

I have to keep telling myself this.

It’s okay to feel damaged.
When you care you take that risk of getting bruised.

It doesn’t make you weak to feel insecure and broken.
It doesn’t make you crazy to struggle with reacting to pain.
It doesn’t make you a bad Christian to feel sad. 

It makes you human. To feel these things makes you human. God gave us the full-spectrum of feelings for a reason. Yes, choose joy, but you can also be sad.

I think, for me, I spend so much time worrying about how I’m going to appear to others. Am I too this, or too that? What will people think about me?? This much worse thing happened to so-and-so, do I even have the right to be sad about a problem so inferior in the grand scheme of things?

I had a couple bad experiences this year. Yes, one of them involved a toxic relationship with someone who lied to me and treated me like I  was disposable, but I also had a job I absolutely loved that I tried to resign from because it got tainted and ruined but some bouts of poor leadership and bad decision making. But in comparison to some of the other things my friends went through this year, those two things, even combined, seem so insignificant.

So I try to squash my feelings and distract myself, only for the pain in my heart to intensify.

When it does finally emerge, it’s that much worse.
It’s full-blown depression, instead of sadness.

Depression isn’t always what you see in movies.
It’s not just blue filter to indicate the sad montage of your life.
Usually it’s not even really blue, it’s grey. Blue has too much feeling.

It’s feeling empty.
It’s crying for hours.
It’s not properly eating for weeks.
It’s sleeping for days, or not sleeping at all.
It’s when the things you loved, you don’t love anymore.
It’s making plans you have no intention of following through with and canceling at the last minute. 
It’s telling people you’re fine because you are embarrassed to talk about it.
It’s when nothing is wrong, but really everything is wrong.
It’s a numbness that is hard to explain if you’ve never felt it.

How do you begin to talk about having feelings of depression during the “most wonderful time of the year?” How do you bring it up in the midst of twinkling lights and emotionally charged family dinners without making it sound like you are just an attention seeker? How do you begin to be vulnerable in a world where all people want to do is judge you and make you feel insignificant and roll their eyes at you when you say you’re more than just sad? I can picture people doing it now as they read this. People who I consider my friends, I can vividly see them rolling their eyes at my words. And yeah, it hurts my feelings, but it’s not the end of the world. Some people just won’t understand, and you can’t make them. What seems so insignificant to someone else, could literally be the biggest thing in your world. And you can’t make people get that.

I don’t even get it really, how this happened to me. How can I be mad when someone else, who isn’t feeling what I’m feeling, doesn’t get it?

Why is it easier to share how I’m feeling here in writing available for the whole world to read than it is to talk to my best friends, or my sister, or my mom about it? I think it probably has to do with the veil of protection the internet provides, and absolutely zero to do with those people. I like having the ability to hide when I need to, instead of laying it all out in person. The ability to ignore texts and phone calls (which I will do), and respond in my own time frame and after I’ve had the time to formulate exactly how I want to respond, instead of the required instant response of face-to-face interaction. I also think the backspace key helps. There’s no backspace key in verbal communication, I’ve learned this the hard way.

The truth is I don’t know.
I don’t know why it’s easier to write a blog than have a conversation.
I don’t know how you bring up depression while everyone is singing Christmas carols.
I don’t know how to shut the numb out and just be happy again.

I’ve noticed that my house looks a lot like a college dorm room. Littered with pictures of people and places, instead of real home decor. That’s because I need those picture to remind that there are people who love me. I need those pictures to remind me of those happy moments. Frame after frame serves as a touchstone for me, and right now, that is what I need.

Until I figure it out…until I figure out how to move forward, I guess I’ll just keep being. I know to whom I belong, and I know that I can be restored, but that doesn’t mean it will be easy. I’ll keep fighting to be myself, when the darkness threatens to overwhelm me. I’ll keep doing the everyday things that make me me. Trivia nights, Friendsgivings, Clark cuddles and Netflix, Sunday afternoon football, nerdy conversations about Harry Potter and Myers-Briggs, bonfires and s’mores, sarcasm, beach vacations, over-sharing on my blog, and Taylor Swift sing-alongs in my car and shower.

I’ll keep doing it all until the darkness has retreated, and the light is back for good.

***** If you are struggling with depression, you don’t have to struggle alone or stay broken, here are some quick resources, just in case:

•You can learn more about starting therapy here, since pretty much everyone can benefit from talking to a professional.
•You can learn more about depression here.
7 Cups and IMAlive are free, anonymous online text chat services with trained listeners, online therapists, and counselors.
Vent and Paralign are community-based apps where you can express yourself anonymously and connect with people who might be feeling the same way.
•If you need to talk to someone immediately, the US National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255. A list of international suicide hotlines can be found here.

Categories: Everyday Happenings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 1 Comment

Hell is empty and all the devils are here.

I hope “the other woman” is never a part of you life.
I hope that you never have to meet her, or hear about her, or think about her.
Because I hope for you, whoever you are, that she doesn’t exist.shakespeare

Because I wouldn’t wish that kind of pain on anyone.

Because that kind of pain is something totally different. It’s an endless labyrinth full of twists and curves, and tunnels that lead you to new kinds of pain every day.

The initial pain is thinking about their whole relationship in your head. How intense is their relationship? How long has this been going on? How did it start? Why did it start? Did she not know? If she did know, why? If she didn’t know, how? Why didn’t he tell her? What did he tell her about you? Did he call you crazy? And trust me, after some time, you will be able to see it all, and then some.

And then it’s the pain of thinking about your own relationship with him. Why doesn’t he love me? Why would he be so cruel? Did he ever love me, did he ever even care at all? Was it a game the whole time?

The pain of realizing that everything he said to you, he was saying to her.
That quiet, soft voice that you thought was reserved only for you, he was also using with her.

The pain of realizing that the same lips he used to kiss you, were also kissing her.
That body that you felt so sure of and so safe with, was also holding her.

And then you feel disgusting and dirty.

The pain of having to imagine them in the same places that you once were yourself: his kitchen, his car, his office, his porch. Anywhere you ever were with him, is now tainted by her.

The pain of knowing you obviously weren’t good enough.
Not pretty enough.
Not smart enough.
Not funny enough.
Not talented enough.
No thoughtful enough.
Not enough.

The pain of wondering what is so wrong with you that he needed someone else.
Then the comparisons start; why is she better than me?

The pain of remembering all the times he excused himself from spending time you, that now you have to wonder if it was to spend time with her. You never wondered before what he was doing when he wasn’t with you, because you assumed that he was working, or hanging out with his other friends, or going to the gym, or doing something else productive to society, you never assumed he was cultivating another romantic relationship. How many stupid lies did you fall for?

The pain of feeling absolutely betrayed.

And then, another darker and worse tunnel leads you down the path of wondering how many other people knew about it and didn’t tell you? How many people saw what was going on, but allowed you to stay oblivious? How ridiculous did you look to those people?

That tunnel is where you meet your new friends embarrassment and humiliation. And you just learn to live with them. Because you were stupid and this is what happens to stupid girls.

You were not different. You were not special. You were just another girl.

(…but the secret is that YOU are special one. You have been all along.)

Categories: Everyday Happenings, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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